Heavy Object – Early Thoughts

Weak spots: Literally the entire thing as long as you don’t climb up it and stand on the front of a cannon or fly a helicopter directly overhead then hover it over one of the turrets. Options for defense from it include “stand near it” or “don’t be on the 30th floor of a building if it’s near.

Heavy Object is another series based on a light novel by Kamachi Kazuma, creator of A Certain Magical Index, because of that you should already know to keep your expectations fairly low. However, this series manages to start off in possibly the worst way I’ve seen an anime start in a very long time, something even Index managed to avoid by just being generically bad at the start (before falling into absurd levels of trash).

The first five minutes, literally the first actual full five minutes not “about” not “kind of” but the exact timing of it stops at five minutes in – what is it? How do they pull in the viewer, how do they make you interested and dying for more? The most bland, boring, uninteresting, and poorly narrated exposition dump I’ve EVER seen in an anime in my life – let alone in the introduction to the first episode. Said info-dump is accompanied by mediocre CG of the stupidest thing anyone has ever imagined up in mankind’s history; a giant ball with 500 guns mounted on top of it.

What kind of Gundam you want, fam?
“JUST FUCK MY SHIT UP”

This is an “Object” – well yes, you say, because it is very clearly a thing, but no it’s called Object along with all other giant balls with guns attached to one central portion of the top which are apparently the very best weapon mankind has ever produced. A great name for an equally great design, one I’m sure only confuses Kamachi as to why it’s not a real world weapon design.

These Objects are incredibly fucking stupid, I mean literally one of the stupidest things I have ever seen in reality or fiction, both in their explanation and lore as well as their entire fucking design. What retard would create a giant ball, mount 500 guns into one spot on the top making them 99% useless, and call it a good thing? And of course even with all the blatant design flaws and weaknesses it is basically invincible because it’s the Touma of the series. They also look like half of a nutsack with pubes sticking out all over.

It’s literally something you’d sketch as a 12 year old during whatever class you had the least interest in, along with those underground bases that you’d make compartments for various vehicles and such in. I always said Index was akin to something written by a middle schooler, but this blows it out of the fucking water in every respect. Not just the Object design, but even the writing itself feels like a kid trying to write a story for the first time – throwing the entire setting, backstory, and all relevant information at you for 24 minutes as the introduction without even a semblance of flavor or breaking it up because they don’t understand how else to convey any of it and the fact it expects you to accept “this thing is the most powerful thing ever created because it is” because oddly all that exposition they push at you really SAYS FUCKING NOTHING for the most part. Not to mention the unnatural completely lacking in chemistry friendships and dialogue bits in play throughout from the very stilted characters that seem to be lacking anything but “I am an anime character” to their personality.

Back to the episode – after the full 5 minutes of exposition, we get about 50 seconds of actual show which, oddly enough, IS MORE FUCKING EXPOSITION. Following that, the only logical thing – fanservice of the main girl taking a shower right off the bat. A scene we get to keep flashing back to from various angles to show off her full body including her apparently really juicy ass.

THE ASS WAS FAT – THE SHOW WAS SHAT.

We also get such great moments as the main girl being squeezed by some seatbelts which makes her blush and tightens around her breasts – which of course makes the main character scream OPPAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII while thrusting his hands at them to “help her out”.

Truly gripping and original events.

What else happens in this episode? Literally nothing interesting, fun, intriguing, or worthwhile; mostly just more exposition dumping and fanservice as well as more showcases of bad CG. That will give you an explanation to why I’m not really talking about the “other stuff” as if I’m purposefully trying to make the show appear bad – fact is “other stuff” never happened.

This is a pile of shit, and hilariously enough it’s exactly for the reasons I expected it would be. This is re-skinned Index. It’s another horribly written, fanservice filled, shounen-jump tier childish joke spewing, piece of awful shit with writing made by someone no more talented than a 13 year old writing fanfiction that is just full cringe throughout. Only this time with giant balls of guns. I’m done with it already, I don’t care what happens in it because no matter what does it will play out in the same awful way it already has as well as it’s predecessor Index does. Call me when they make a spinoff, it’ll undoubtedly be better thanks to being ghost written like the last one and thus a thousand times better. Though, unlike Index which had some interesting set pieces and such to it that helped create a great scenario for a spinoff, this just seems like complete garbage with nothing positive to build on.

Do I hate it because of Kamachi? No. Do I hate it because I hate Index? No. I say “this is Index” as an insult, sure, but it is in no way more than simply a perfect example of many of the issues already at play, yet even Index had more worthwhile going on than this. Yes, I’m saying this is literally worse than Index, and you know how I feel about Index.

Somehow less stupid than Objects.

I hate it because of the fact it has one of the weakest and most off-putting introductions I’ve ever seen, terrible writing already that mimics a child’s attempt at storytelling, some mediocre CG, THE FUCKING STUPIDEST ‘WEAPON’ EVER FUCKING THOUGHT UP BY ANYONE EVER, incredibly generic dialogue between the equally incredibly generic characters, and the fact it feels the need to already shove tits and ass in your face to keep you interested – proving even they knew it had nothing worthwhile aside the body of one of the main cast members (surely that number will rise to “every girl in the show” being used for fanservice and probably harem bullshit, again, like Index).

This is bad because it simply is fucking bad, not because of bias towards the author or even anything else that specific, everything about this is terrible to the point of almost feeling like it’s a satire – ESPECIALLY the writing and ‘mech’ design. It’s unbelievably bad, and yes, I’m confident in saying that it’s got no chance of changing even in further episodes. This is just really the dumbest fucking thing possible and it’s embarrassing that it even exists and will sell purely because of the author’s name and the otaku pandering.

And for anyone who still believes Kamachi writes Railgun – this entire episode should set you straight, even if him outright saying he doesn’t wasn’t enough.