KLACK KLACK KLACK CLANNNGGG
KLACK KLACK CLANG *CAMERA SET DIRECTLY ON A FAULT LINE IN AN 8.0 EARTHQUAKE*
KLACK KLACK KLACK KLACK KLACK CLANNNGGG
SERGEANT JENKINS NOOO WE NEED A MEDIC! MEDI- AHHHHH
KLACK KLACK KLACK CLANG
*CAMERA SHAKE INTENSIFIES*
*SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK POORLY MAINTAINED SQUEAKY TANK TREADS GROW LOUDER*
ENEMY TANK THERES A TANK GET DO- *CAMERA SHAKING SO HARD EVERYTHING IS A BLUR AND IT KEEPS CUTTING FROM RANDOM BLUR TO RANDOM BLUR TO THE POINT YOU’RE NOT SURE IF YOUR SISTER IS SUCKING YOUR DICK OR A WAR IS GOING ON *
*SQUEAK SQUEAK* KLACK KLACK KLACK CLANG
WHERE’S THOSE GODDA- *BOOOM*
*SQUEAK SQUEAK BOOM* KLACK KLACK CLANG
PRIVATE WATERS I DON’T CARE HOW SCARED YOU ARE YOU WILL OBEY MY ORDERS I AM A COMMISSIONED OFFICER YOU WILL GO OUT THERE AND DESTROY THAT ENCAMPM- *BOOM PRIVATE WATERS AND 300 OTHER SOLDIERS DIE INSTANTLY DUE TO THE COMMISSIONED OFFICER’S INCOMPETENCE*
*SQUEAK SQUEAK* KLACK KLACK KLACK KLACK CLANG
AHHHHHHH *LITERALLY CANNOT TELL WHAT IS HAPPENING WHATSOEVER ANYMORE THE CAMERA CUTS FROM SHOTS OF DIRT SHAKING VIOLENTLY TO THE TIP OF WHAT MAY BE A BAYONET BUT DUE TO THE MOTION BLUR IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE SURE BEFORE QUICKLY FLASHING TO A BLURRY FACE SCREAMING AND MORE SEQUENCES OF VIOLENT SHAKING DIRT AT SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES*
JUST HOLD ON LIEUTENANT JONES *NCO RUNS THROUGH FIELD OF 900 SS SOLDIERS AND 30 PANZER IVS WHILE GERMAN PLANES BOMB HIM AND HE MAKES IT UNSCATHED TO JONES AND DRAGS HIS LIFELESS LEGLESS BODY BACK ALL THE WAY TO HIS ALLIES WITHOUT TAKING A SINGLE SHOT* MEDIIIIICCCCCC
*KLACK KLACK KLACK CLANG* *Fade to black* *Somber music begins*
Narration from one of the real people a named character was based on: “8,000,000 American lives were lost that day because of commissioned officer I didn’t like but none of my friends were remotely injured thanks to non-commissioned officer I treat as a hero.”
Band of Brothers is the absolute most stereotypical and just completely unabashed made-up story-time from veterans that romanticizes their own company to an extreme degree and treats anyone with a name as a superhero – sometimes literally. Instead of something remotely believable it plays off as Marvel or DC Presents World War II after hiring cinematographer Teruaki Murakami and placing him on a balance board right on the San Andreas fault line and an entire cast made up of Europeans pretending to be American soldiers for some reason with a few random comedians and late night TV hosts thrown in for some reason (as well as a guy who looks like he has to be related to Liam O’brien) – like a poor man’s Saving Private Ryan or Black Hawk Down casting job. They just got any recognizable face…that they could afford at least, and threw them in.
On the note of stereotypes another big one that is absolutely brazen throughout is the hatred of Commissioned Officers. Every single one is a total retard who puts the company at risk and even gets people killed – meanwhile the NCOs who command are fucking invincible, immortal, and never incorrect. They are Gods among men, the perfect human beings who are also selfless in all they do.
Somehow the best characters and actors are the guy from Office Space and Compton who is played by the guy who is the evil villain man in romantic comedies and Lifetime movies. Oh, and the redheaded ex-military guy from The Walking Dead and of course Ross from friends for…like an episode.
Like I said, the show is nothing but the exaggerated events of a company by the surviving members of that company, almost nothing in it aside historical battles is based in fucking reality to the point its ridiculous and if they tried a little harder could rival the memoirs of Holocaust “survivors”. Everything is the most obvious bullshit and convenient-for-the-veterans shit possible. Everyone in their company was a perfect heroic soldier and almost none of them were ever wounded, injured, or killed and if they were it was in some huge heroic way with one exception, everyone that was not in their company had no name and was killed instantly with ease by the Nazis. The same applies to the “totally not bullshit from personal bias of the vets” hatred of commissioned officers over NCOs, wherein by pure chance every commissioned officer is a total dumb fuck who can’t handle war but the NCOs are Superman.
For example the commanding officer (an NCO) of Easy Company literally runs through an open field to about 60 or 70 Nazi SS soldiers prepared for combat knowing there were American troops nearby…and not one of them shoots him even while he starts shooting all of them. This literally happens. This is an occurrence that happens regularly throughout the show with the main cast but especially Winters and this other guy who reminds me of one of the guys from the FMV sequences in Ace Combat 5. That guy actually runs through an active battle zone through a few hundred Germans, past a tank, over a wall he slowly climbs, and then he comes right back and the narration even says that no Germans dared to even attempt to shoot at him either time. Don’t worry, they didn’t forget the old magical Medics either – always running around under heavy fire, taking no shots, all while standing there reading the bible over dead bodies (that, ironically, the Army has no problem leaving behind unlike most of the US armed forces).
This is just a masturbatory superhero series for veterans to tell themselves they were amazing and their friends were literally one step down from being Gods. The interviews with the actual vets the show is based on at the start of each episode also always has them singing the praises of Winters (including Winters himself praising himself like an asshole who was still alive for the show) nonstop and somehow nobody watching this questioned the veracity of their stories, it’s just so fucking ridiculously self-important and “we were special”. It’s a bunch of fucking “greatest generation” 90 year-olds telling you they were literally anime protagonists.
One of the only characters who leaves the group before the end and without dying that had a regular role was Compton and, hilariously enough, the real life vet complained about them depicting the character as imperfect and continued trying to push his lie for why he was discharged. He was shellshocked and couldn’t handle the war anymore, everything points to that not just the show but the historical documentation and everything even his comrades said, but he actually complained to the producers and director because “no, I just had completely undiagnosed trench foot and could not fight any more and was FORCED out! I was never shellshocked or bothered by the war.” It’s absolutely pathetic how far these now dead men went to pretend they were more than they actually were because they needed to justify the horrors of what they truly went through; which is also a very sad reality of veterans in general – things like this aren’t just about praising themselves, its about glorifying and romanticizing what they went through so they can avoid facing the actual reality which was much worse (albeit in a boring, bland, real life way and not a dramatic crazy way making them not feel like heroes) and far more imperfect, something that probably haunted them until they died. So on some levels I get the want and the need to lie about it, but don’t turn that into television or literature – just fucking do it in your own dementia-riddled mind.
The same goes for many of them, really, and in general most WWII vets. If you look up the real people this show depicts – even Superman himself, Winters, you’ll find the intros with the real men are full of their own bullshit lies to dramatize and promote themselves as heroes. Winters wrote in his own real world autobiography that he had no interest in going to war and wanted nothing to do with the war, but he simply joined to avoid being drafted and forced in later. Yet, he, in the show itself the real man (who wrote that autobiography about himself) during those interview portions along with the rest talk about how they all were so completely wanting to go to war that they literally had friends who killed themselves because they weren’t able to join and that they were similarly hardcore about wanting to be part of the military at the time and invade Europe. Basically they all hoped nobody would actually look into anything past the show.
Band of Brothers should have been about what it pretends it is on the outside – the story of real men during a real war just being normal young guys thrown into something they weren’t truly prepared for and showcasing what it really meant to go through that. A true and touching story, possibly even a genuinely important piece of media, showcasing the soldiers instead of being about evil Nazis and how bad they are. The direct involvement of Spielberg and his insanely inaccurate and shaky-cam portrayals of WWII and, for some reason, Tom Hanks who also loves glorifying himself as a war hero because he played one in a movie once, absolutely did not help this show be what it should have been. The one bit of praise I can give it for historical accuracy is that nobody who joined the war even knew about the “holocaust” nor did anyone give a shit about the Jews, we entered the war because of financial and diplomatic reasons not for Israel – at one point the company stumbles onto an internment camp and they even find out everyone else including the Russians (though it’s safe to say the Russkis were lying about having no knowledge of them at least) are just barely finding out about them, they had absolutely no clue what it was when they first found it and this was near the end of the war. This is pretty rare to actually see in WWII media instead of “WE FOUGHT FOR ISRAEL #MIGA” bullshit about how the poor Jews were so sad so we went to save them. Seriously, I really do have to give Spielberg credit for not making this about the Jews which I’m sure hurt him horribly to know he wasn’t showcasing the completely factual stories about what the Jewish people went through according to actual real survivors of the Holocaust; like the masturbation machines used to harvest Jewish semen from the young Jewish boys until they’d die from having too many orgasms without enough rest and the trains that would open up on the bottom into pits of what were essentially hundreds of chainsaws that then had tubes leading into the ovens for what was left after the cries and screams of the Jews as they were torn asunder, at least not until the last couple of episodes. Because in reality almost nobody in the US even knew about the Holocaust until the war was at its conclusion nor did they ever fucking care about it aside little snippets in the paper, mostly because it didn’t happen.
Instead of being that real story about real people Thanos may as well have shown up and snapped every unnamed character and commissioned officer out of existence. For better writing, a somehow more realistic take on war, and a better way to spend your time – just go play Valkyria Chronicles 4. It’s so heavily influenced by this show that it is practically the same story anyway, just done properly and also is a more respectful and honest take on war. I’m in no way trying to shit on veterans or pretend that, as stereotypical as this show is the line itself was said, “war is hell” is untrue either. In fact one of my good friends at the moment is a vet who was discharged due to serious PTSD from some personal events that happened during more recent middle east conflicts and all I have is sympathy and respect for him especially being one of the few people he’s talks to about that darker more damaging side of things aside at his mandatory therapy sessions.
What I AM saying though is that this portrayal is a bunch of retarded bullshit to self satisfy some dying old men who wanted to believe they were special while glorifying American soldiers in a war we only won because of Russian military superiority over the Germans and the Japanese being stupid. I’m all for patriotism, I’m all for glorifying our troops – however I’m not pro-bullshit-propaganda, especially when you’ve got Spielberg jerking off on the back of a moving vehicle while filming with the other hand and calling it art.
I tried the sister-show about Marines in the Pacific because it has an actor I think is pretty cool (Bernthal) in the main cast and Marines are better than the Army, but it was even fucking WORSE but for other reasons – primarily 99% of it being in the pitch black with the same fucking terrible cinematography making it impossible to ever fucking see anything or know what was going on.